“You won the lottery of cancers. It’s the “good” cancer.”

The amount of nurses who told me this line… oof. I had to grimace and fake laugh and say oh yes, lucky me! Jackpot! I have malignant cells, but since it is treatable, I won the lottery!

“At least it’s not breast cancer.”

This felt like a slap in the face. Anyone who has gone through a terrible thing, just to have someone say at least its not this other terrible thing, gets it. It could always be worse. That does not disqualify my bad situation or help me feel seen and loved in a time when I need support.

“Just stay positive.”

I know everyone who told me this meant well. But “just stay positive” can feel so empty when it is surrounded by quietness. When that’s the only piece of the consoling. Oh… that’s all you have to say about this big, scary disruption in my life? Alright, cool.

“I have this scar on my leg I am trying to get rid of.”

Just be sensitive. When someone is about to get a several inch long scar on their neck, don’t start talking about the microscopic scratch on your leg.

“I hate medication, I think natural approaches are always the way to go.”

Sure, totally. It would be great to not have to rely on medication. Maybe save that discussion for a friend who is not about to be reliant on a pill to survive each day though.

“That’s not fun.”

You know what’s “not fun”? Standing in long lines. Sitting in traffic. A boring homework assignment. But the pain and suffering that comes along with an illness, can not be diluted to “not fun”.

“Oh that’s not bad! (in response to “recovery time”)”

As if there were some sort of timespan that qualified your recovery or condition as significant! But “just two weeks off your job? Oh that’s not bad.” is not an appropriate response in attempting to qualify someone’s recovery journey.

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Most of these comments share the common theme of “toxic positivity”. I understand that it can be hard to know what to say in these moments, but I think it does more harm than good to share a trite statement without first considering how the person receiving it may feel.

It is great to stay positive, but also leave room for honest feelings of fear and sadness. Seek to understand, empathize, and acknowledge the pain before trying to make it better and offering advice.