You can have the best, most supportive friends and family and still feel lonely while going through cancer. It’s the realization that no one can do this for you, and that no one is as affected as you are.

I think it hit me most that even after I had a really good, deep conversation with a friend, they could leave and move on with their day. They could carry on unfazed, while I continued to feel anxious. I couldn’t just leave my cancer after a conversation. It was something on my mind almost constantly.

In the early morning, when I first woke up. Right before bed, trying to shut off my brain. In every second of waiting for those test results. Those moments, were lonely.

No one could say the right thing. My moods fluctuated up and down. I yearned for people to care about the situation as deeply as I did. While my days were filled with cancer thoughts and fears, I would watch my friends go hang out or text frivolously in group chats.

Some days it felt unfair. But most days, the underlying feeling was just sadness.

This doesn’t just relate to people going through an illness. “Cancer” could be replaced by death of a loved one, a breakup, mental illness, abuse, etc.

It’s impossible to be bubbly all the time, but isn’t it kind of the expectation?

People like to follow and support the optimistic cancer patients who share inspirational quotes and post warrior pictures and smile ear to ear even through treatment.

Sometimes though, it just isn’t possible!

After being told over and over again that it could be worse, I gave up on trying to be “peppy” about my diagnosis. It felt unfair to how I was really feeling.

All this is to say that no one will understand you like you understand yourself, so it’s important to find ways to comfort yourself in those lonely moments.

For me, that was through prayer. Humans, no matter how great, can not be there for you 24/7. But I do believe that God can. So in the silent & lonely hours, I could feel God lending me his ear, and in turn I felt less alone.