Is it too much to ask for a normal doctors appointment where ZERO red flags come up? 😅

I had my well-women’s exam at the gynecologist about two months after finishing RAI. I was coming to terms with the bodily changes I was going through, and was trying to stay positive about healing from this cancer completely and never having to think about it again.

During a particularly painful pelvic exam, I watched my doctors forehead crinkle a bit. She removed her gloves and asks casually, are you constipated?

She then proceeds to tell me that she felt a nodule in my pelvis. It could be in the ovary, bladder, or colon area. Which of course means that it could be ovarian, bladder, or colon cancer.

I’ve now had four nodules identified over the past four to five years. ¼ have been cancer. 25%.

As much as I thought logically that it could just be another benign nodule, the fact that cancer had already been (and still kind of was, at 1%) a host in my body, it seemed more likely to actually be malignant than benign.

And it could be a cancer much more aggressive than thyroid cancer.

My mind started racing. I was so tired just going through this thyroid surgery, so the thought of another round of treatments just led me to keep thinking “I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t handle another cancer. I just can’t”.

The doctor told me it could just be constipation and she’s feeling my stool instead of a tumor. Poop, or cancer. What a coin flip!

After another painful exam and a week of racing thoughts, it was confirmed that it was NOT cancer, and no tumor was found. (aka, it was just poop.)

Regardless of the result, this reaction made me realize that the trauma is deeper than I thought it was. As positive as my thinking can be on a normal day, when that fear of cancer comes back in, it can trigger full on panic.

I know that I can’t let that fear overcome me every time I get a questionable result at a doctors office.

I know that at 25, I will hopefully have a lot more years to live, which will mean a lot more doctor’s appointments and a lot more health scares.

I must come to terms with the fact that God is in control, and when these things come up, to lean into Him instead of leaning into the fear, or the panic.

Because leaning into fear is like leaning into a big, bottomless pit. You know that it’s dark, scary, heavy, and endless, but you still lean into it anyway and end up falling down the hole.

I want to lean up to God. I want to look and see His face. He provides light, comfort, and hope. He lifts me out of the dark pits.

And that is what I’m banking on to help me get through a lifetime of worries and doubts that come with being a cancer patient and survivor.